Day 14 of Adaptation

So I'm a regular for this clinic this month. It started with "why it such a busy clinic, I don't want to do locum here again," and it ended up with "ok, lets put my name in every free available slots, shall we" 

And I'm getting used to it. Maybe because it's Ramadan, fasting month, that's probably why it was so busy at night or maybe it is a busy clinic to begin with, I don't know because I just started doing this here. I always took the night slots, which is only for 2 hours (8pm-10pm) and I never can get back on time. I think I see patients fast enough but still it will always be overtime and overpaid. Haha lucky me or not I have no idea. 

Usually there'll be around 10-15 patients per night. So roughly I need to see one patient in 8-12 mins. It's like me being in Emergency department again. The adrenaline rush is real and it really excites me. I never encounter such situation in other private clinic.  Do I like it this way or not? I think yeah, it sort of reminds me the old days when I was in Emergency, the best posting I've ever had and wish to stay. And it actually makes time went by faster when you have to concentrate on handling patients. 

So my conclusion would be, I think yes this clinic is the busiest clinic I've ever see. Maybe people likes to come to this place because of the owner, whom I never met to date. Well I wish I can meet her one time and probably ask a bit on how can she managed to attract so many patients in a day, eventhough there is another well known clinic just 3-4 stores across hers. Who knows what my future held for me. Who knows  maybe one day I ended up quitting KKM and managing my own clinic. Who knows? 

PS : I have another 3 oncalls and 7 locums to go this month but I'm so damn tired to even think about it. I just have to get through this because this is the only therapy that prevent me from entertaining my emotion so far. So I need to this for the better me. 

Day 13 of Adaptation

I hate people who always underestimate others as if they are great and perfect. I don't know how they get that kind of confident to degrade other human being, but honestly, they are not worth as they think they are.

I'm so pissed regarding this situation that my colleague and I have to face everyday. People like 'X' should not exist. Demotivating and degrading people is not in human nature. I don't think 'X' understand, being honest and being rude is two different thing. Frankly speaking 'X' is rather rude than honest. It needs to stop. More people are hurting because of 'X' and if you are a human, you don't let other human down, instead you pick them up and help them out.

I'm so stressed out these few days. I feel like ventilating myself to someone. Someone who I always need, my girlfriend obviously. So I've texted her this morning telling that I really need to talk to her once she's free. Out of sudden she called me. But again, I was working in the clinic seeing patient and I can't really talk to her that time. So I hung up on her. I always know she is someone that caring. She surely will get me everytime I'm in need, at instance. The problem is, we work in different working hours. Not only distance now that envy of us, but also time.

She said I'm strong. Little did she knows, being in a battlefield without her here is much difficult and I'm still adapting. Trying hard not to think about it while making myself busy with work, locum and other stuff like writing here. 

So, yeah I'm barely survive over here dear girlfriend.

Day 12 of Adaptation

Just a quick update. I'm oncall so I don't really have much time to write. Anyways, so far so good. I wish I could sleep this time. Fingers cross.

I think, I'm pretty stable now. Yes, first few days was hard. I cried almost everyday. I can't really sleep properly. But now, I think I get through it quite good. I'm proud of myself actually. The old me is nothing like this. I feel great.

Yes of course. I miss her. I'll always miss her. She becomes someone significant and she is a part of me. She's like a family but at the same time, an accompany. I feel most comfortable with her, who I can share almost everything. So being apart is something I'm not used to but I keep holding on to it.

I wish I could run to her whenever I want. But it's impossible. Both of us already know it. Everytime she said "datang la sini", part of me will scream out loud "i want to you have no idea", but this is reality that both of us need to face.

The fact that she called me today is good enough. We get to talk few here and there. But of course, time always envy of us, if she was free, I was working, and vice versa. So we can't really talk much. Our working time is different. That's why it makes this much difficult. I'm more than grateful, whatever it is, she still makes an effort to call me. I cannot complaint.

"I wish you were here by my side too"

Day 11 of Adaptation

"Love is all about giving, and not hoping for a return"

I was having my monthly excruciating dysmenorhea yesterday. Usually it lasts for first two-three days of menses. I seldomly take any analgesics because, I can just relieve it by lying down left laterally and sleep through it. Sometimes, tea works too. But mostly, I just sleep through it. Lately, I need to take pain killer just because of working. And I don't like working with pain. So I have to, like it or not.

Previously, my mom was the one who will provide me with medications, which sometimes she bought it at convenient store. Yes I'm a doctor but somehow, taking medicine is not my forte, unless necessary. I'll have it if I really really need to. When I'm in Taiping, I found out that girlfriend also has the similar problem that I'm facing. Somehow, we both understand the situation better than others.

She used to get me medication for it. She'll be the first to worry if I ever had this problem. I remember, there's one time, when she drove all the way from hospital after work late at night to my house just to drop the medication and food for me, knowing that I'm in pain. So, having the pain yesterday brought me back to those kind of memories, those kind of "great touching my heart" memories. And the more I think about it, the more I realized on how important has she become in my life in such a short period of time.

This morning, while driving to work, I was thinking of calling her, just to know how she's doing sort of thing. But I reluctantly call her because I'm afraid I'll be disturbing her. There was so many "what ifs" playing in my mind, until I ended up not calling her. You know when wise people always said, "there's telepathy between hearts"? That's exactly what I've felt this morning, the moment I've heard her ringtone from my phone, I was ecstatic. I set a specific ringtone for her, so I know exactly when she calls without even have to look at the phone. When I saw her picture on the screen, my heart flips over thinking of, how she knows that I really really wanted to call her today. And she called me out of nowhere. She knows today is Monday, I'll be working obviously. But still she called me. And of course, we can't really talk much. I'm working, I have to see patients in clinics. And it's only 9 in the morning, so it's a bit hectic. We just manage to say "hi there bye there" stuff. But I'm blessed. To ever hear her voice, knowing that she's okay, I'm fine.

The point is, imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corners of your mixed up soul, imagine that moment when you both know exactly, what each other is thinking eventhough you are far away from each other, it's not an accident, it's what we called as telepathy.

PS : I brought my car to workshop for tyre services today. Hell yeah, it surely caused lots of money here. Pfffttt

Day 10 of Adaptation

"In spite of all this, I still can smile because I got you and everything that reminds me of you"

Life is an art. It depends on how you want to draw it, whether with simple black and white or full spectrum of colors. The most important thing is, you're at ease and happy. Your heart must be happy.

I found there's a lot of reasons that can color my life. Like my family for instance, they make me happy. My work. My friends. My staff. My goldfishes. My phone. My room. My money and etc. There's so many reasons that can make me happy. But which one I can't live without is the most important. Which one, if I know, by tomorrow they'll be gone, I'll be in doom, is much more important. It's not about how or when we lost someone or something, it's about how we adapt through the phase of it. Nothing in this world stays, for sure. So we have to know, which and which is our reasons of happiness, so that we know, we can prepare ourself earlier to face it, when any one of it, is gone.

I had such a crazy oncall the other day. My friend and I, we couldn't even enter the oncall room. I had my Maghrib and Isya' prayer at 2 in the morning and that's explain how crazy it was. We couldn't sleep obviously, not even lie down on bed. Long story short, working is something that I can't live without. It is something I find as therapy for me. Although it was stressful and literally tire me out, but at the same time, it made me forget things that prevent me to be happy, in such, if I'm not working, I'll be overly thinking about everything, and sometimes it goes really bad until I can't really function. So working, prevent me from all those sort of things. Like, how bad I miss my girlfriend. If I'm not doing anything, I'll be thinking about her for the entire day. And it sucks. Because eventhough how much I've missed her, I can't really do anything from here. So literally, I cause myself to be unhappy. And it's not good.

So, I know that working can prevent this unhealthy thinking of mine. I took as many locum slots outside just to fill myself with work. I know if I'm working, I'll get tired physically and there'll be no time for me to entertain my emotion or thinking. It's easier for me to sleep at night as well. Indirectly, it makes me happy too. I mean, what else can I do other than this right?

Day 9 of Adaptation

"Your presence in my heart is comforting enough. That can make my worries and sadness go away"

Not a single day went by without me thinking of her. All the daily routine things make me think of her like, is she awake? What she eats today? Has she eats? Is she working? Until when she's working? How's she doing? And etc. All sort of taking care about each other things. Sometimes, it just a simple gesture but it was such a complex feelings involved. Like she used to bring me food during my call, or at least, she used to come and visit me during morning or before lunch break or at night after night rounds. She always make time for me eventhough she's so damn tired after working, or she was busy with something else, but still, she'll make a huge effort just to see me and fulfilling my wish to see her too. I remember, there was this time when she had one full day locum in an area about 45mins away, and suddenly around midnight she called and told me that she was outside, waiting to see me. She drove straight away from there to hospital and I was so surprised because she looked so tired that night, and yet still came all the way when she can just go home and call it a day.

So not having her now, feels weird. Everytime I'm oncall now would feels weird. Because I'm so used to have her visit me, seeing her, talking to her, received food or drinks from her, hugging her so tight before she drove back home, saying goodnights and see you again tomorrow, and text me when you arrived things, and now there would be no more. So it's definitely, feels weird.

If I lie down, thinking and looking back all the sacrifices that she had made for me, I would never have chance to repay. She is someone I believe will stand behind me and do everything that she's capable of just to make me happy. I forever thanks her that. I'm maybe not the kind of person who is worthy enough to ever received all those sacrifices, but I hope, everything that she's ever done to make me happy, one day God grants her the most happiness in her life as well.

So just because of one hassle, doesn't mean I would have to forget thousands of parallel. Right?

Day 8 of Adaptation

"What I've kept in my heart is only our good memories not anger"

Today I feel like crying. Whenever I'm in no mood situation, the number one person I'll run into was my girlfriend. But she's not here anymore. She has the effect of changing my mood instantly from worst to the better. I never need someone like I need her today. I really really need her. I was dump and sombre and no one can pick me up like she always did.

It was my postcall day. I had a really nice oncall, everything was chill no issues not until the next morning. I had this one patient admitted, and it seems my management was not up to this specialist in charge par, so she called me and we had a lengthy talk face to face, mostly me being degrading and demotivating. I felt demolished. Days like this, where I need to have her by my side while silently pouring out on her shoulder. Days like this, I realized how much an impact she had into my life. Days like this, I know, she's someone I need, who can easily protect my heart, only by her presence.

So I've cried, cried and cried until my eyes can't take it anymore. But still the pain never goes. I know eventually it'll disappear but if only she is here, the hurts will healed within seconds. The thought of her already comforting enough, what more her presence.

I know for sure, if she knows that I'm in troubles, she'll comes to me immediately. I know it for sure because that's how she's been taking care of me eversince.

And I'm missing her more until it hurts....

Day 7 of Adaptation

There are two kind of theories on how people met in my dictionary, either it's parallel or perpendicular way.

You may know these two theories when you learnt geometry in high school, parallel and perpendicular lines. Well, I forgot most of them actually. Anyways, I see myself meeting a lot of new people daily. Some of them are still being part of my life, and some of them, I'm afraid, were not. Life is a bargain. You don't always have what you need, but you always get what you don't really want, ironically.

And truth to be told, everyone who I consider I need in this life, are mostly from the perpendicular way theory. We've met on a cross section timeline, in one place at one time, before both of us continuing our own separate ways of life differently. It's sad. Because after so much of efforts and time you've given to that person, you know you won't be together forever. 

Nothing in this world stays. But as much as your mind tried to remind it, your heart still will do everything impulsely. You'll never know when you'll see or meet them again because in perpendicular line, there's only one interception. To begin with, both of you are from two different worlds, two different places, two different persons who manage to meet in one similar point of a time, and that's it.

I found it hard to believe when I lost one of my bestfriend previously. But now, it seems history does repeat itself. And maybe, maybe this is another test from the Almighty that I might have failed, once again.

Day 6 of Adaptation

"I find the pleasure of giving and making you happy, thanks to you"

Well so far that she's away, there is not a single day that went by without me missing her. I missed her. A lot. I don't know how to describe the feeling but surely I feel life is not the same anymore. Knowing that her absent in this state, just worsen it all. I felt this exact kind of feeling at times when she went back to her hometown previously, but I knew back then, it was temporarily. Sometimes it took about 3-5 days max. And I always knew that she'll comes back. But now, it's different. She lives so far away. I don't know when will I ever meet her again. Whether I have the opportunity to see her again. Whether we are going to be as we were before or we're going to be like a total strangers or acquaintance per say. I have no idea. Distance surely makes people apart. I don't know what's gonna happen to me, what's gonna happen to her, but what I know, people changes so does feelings, isn't it?

I said to her in my previous phone call, "life is different without you here", and she said "no, don't be like that, you have to enjoy it". Part of me feel, it easier said than done. I've been honest to her, not to make her worried or anything, just telling her the truth. But it seems like she's doing just fine. So I don't know whether this "missing you" is a mutual feeling or not. As much as I want to think positively, I need some kind of reassurance too. But I didn't get it from her. Maybe, she really has moved on. Maybe, this getting apart from each other is her forte. Out of everybody, I should've learn better but here I am, trying to compose myself as hard as I can be even I know that my heart and mind are so soggy that they tear so easily. Ugghh I hate myself.

On the other side, I feel like karma gets me like hell. I've been ignoring someone real bad, and now she's been ignoring me the same way. Even if she's not, she tends to avoid answering my question and etc.

Like she couldn't care less. Seriously I don't know what to do to fix this. Whatever this is. It isn't us. I want old us so badly. I know I shouldn't be like this, but the old us would never want this to happen too right? I wish I know why she acts differently. I really wish I've had known so that I could've prevent it from happening. 

Why is everything has to be so complicated?

Day 5 of Adaptation

"Our time together is too priceless to be wasted with arguments or silence"

I finally called her. I don't know what brings the confident in me that time, I was simply search through contact number and called her, out of the blue. And I thought she won't pick up. About the final dying beeping, about the time I almost give up, her voice heard at the other end of the line. Gosh, how I missed her voice so much! I always said to her, "how is it possible that her voice is so soothing and addicting, all at the same time?" So yes, it surprised me that she picked up. Because, literally at the moment I've heard her voice, mixed feeling rushed through my blood, I forgot almost everything that happened, and it's like she was in front of me, we were back at square and do our things as we always do before, I was at ease. Maybe seeing her is great, but hearing her voice is greater.

It was around 1900H, as soon as she said "hello", I was a bit hesitate to continue on the phone call. I don't know what to say really. It happened that I was just trying my luck to talk to her eventhough I don't really know what actually I want to say to her. In fact it was my intuition without motive that I try to call her, maybe I just love the idea of calling and hearing her voice, I don't know but it was so weird because she used to be the person who I tell almost everything that's going through my life and I have no idea why I was so nervous. And now it seems, akward and difficult and torturing. So, I just started what I do best, with small talks, and unsurprisingly, the conversation flows as smooth as silk. Yeah, we still got it in us I believe. She knows how to make everything seems fine, and I comply with it so well. We had our lame jokes here and there, and walla!

Everything seems normal. We act normal. I don't know whether I like it or not but I feel comfortable. At least she sounds good and composed. If she wants to put past as past then I'm okay with it. As long as we're good. We catch up a bit. I got to know that she's working at the time I called her, so we don't really talk much. I was also too tired to continue because it was my postcall day and I was driving at that time, so I ended up the call with the hopes that it won't be our last conversation, hopefully.

It was Friday night, I have a train to catch at 2130H, it was a last minute decision. My mom actually texted me a day prior to my oncall, asking me to come home. Who can says no to a mother right? So being as obeyed as I can be, I followed her wish. Long story short, I found my way to Perlis after a hectic late evening which I cannot really disclosed over here. Just consider myself unlucky and inconsiderate. But, I came home to Ummu and Iha's creative birthday card that they made specially for me and all the troubles that happen soon replace with a content heart. Sure it did, family provides nothing but comfort and loves. That's what I always get from them. I feel bless, really.

I slept peacefully that night, knowing that everything are fine. I'm here with my family, and she's there doing good. Nothing more that I can ask for. And she texted me again the next day. 

So we really are okay right?

Day 4 of Adaptation

"Don't think too much about it. There's nothing to worry pon. It just me and my problems. Nothing to do with you"

I'm upset. Way too damn upset. I've finally received her text message. It was a birthday wish after all. If it's not because of my birthday then until when she'll stay ignoring me? She mentioned about it's not really my fault but how can she manage to do that to me, I have no idea. I won't leave my friend hangin if I don't have problem with them, much less to say if its my very best friend though.

I was oncall on my birthday anyways. It surely lesser the frustration. I don't think it was the right moment or even the right emotion to reply her back. Yes she gave me this nice simple text that literally blew myself away - maybe the fact that I've been waiting for her text so long. It felt like these 7 days were the longest and most miserable 7 days I've ever endured. But I just have no time to even think or respond about it. 

It was a very hectic call. I don't get why all babies want to come out on the exact same birth date as mine as well. Admissions flow like crazy, I literally have to go in doing cser like every hour before I had my chance to sleep for about an hour before I need to get up again doing MRP, during golden time of having my sahur, ugghh and labour room was having its own 5th waves throughout the day and night not forget to mention. So I really was in a situation where I don't have much time to think about it yesterday. 

People's right, make yourself busy then you'll forget things that breaks you.

I may not get any cakes or sweets or treats, but I definitely have many people who I'm going to share same birthday together in the future!

PS : should I just reply her like nothing had happen in this side of the world?

Day 3 of Adaptation

"I may not be by your side, but you're always in my mind"

This is what happened today. Well technically speaking, people said that the more you think you don't want to think about something, the more you ended up thinking about that something. And it's true. I thought of so many possible ways to not think of her but I ended up saying and talking about her a lot today. I've said out loud her name so many times to my colleagues until I realized how much I have missed her. I thought that I could run from the fact but nope, it's not happening, yet. 

To add to the misery, one of my colleague told me that she received a text message from her this morning. I was so surprised until I couldn't even react to her. Until she said something like, "why u look so shocked?" I asked her whether I can look at the message and there you go, not only a simple text, but also an attached photo of her with my colleague's friend in Labuan. She's been ignoring my texts but afford to text others, and why it has to be my colleague? Well, I guess she's really doing fine over there. Good to know. 

And it became worst thoughout the day. The picture above was her rented house here where I always visited. I don't know what happen to me, but I ended up driving myself over there subconsciously, in hope that I could meet her again, at least, but who am I kidding right? it's completely irrelevant. And even if she really was there, what on earth did I think that she wants to meet me after all of the silence treatment. Isn't it? 

So here I am, in my bedroom, on my bed, staring straight up at the wall, counting wounds and I tried to numb them all. Do you care? Did she really care? 

I don't think so......... 

Day 2 of Adaptation

"A spark of fire kills a sea of love. A single moment of misunderstanding made you forgot the thousand seconds of lovable moment we've spent together. It's not the pain that makes you suffer, it's your own negative thoughts that make things worse"

It feels strange. It surely did. Being at a place that can reminds you a lot of her. Like every single corner of a room, makes me think of her. After all, this is the place we spent our many time together, I cannot complaint. But it surely make things more difficult. Like today, I had a course held in a building where most of the week all of the staffs gathered for an assembly, it's actually one of the most frequent place where I could meet her or at least see her from a distance. You know when there's this flashback train that comes out from your brain cortex so vividly where you just go into blank phase and all of the sudden you can't really differentiate which one is the reality or imagination? yeah, that's exactly what happen to me and part of me was scared, but another part of me kind of relieve because, those are memories of us that I really want to embrace in my entire life, and I'm so glad that I can still remember it clearly.

What I know, I can see myself changing in a good possible way. She really had taught me to think more positive and bring out the good in every situation in this life. The old me would have probably, curse or mad at her, she surely left me hanging but whatever situation it is, maybe she has her own reason to it, and I need to respect that. Relationship/Friendship is not a singular thing right?

She gave me so many wonderful moments, and she treated me like I'm so special and important, I do feel important. So I don't need to have any doubts on her just because of this one unexplainable situation of us. Sometimes there are things that is not explainable and we just have to face it, not everything requires an explanation, we just need to go with the flow and sometimes, it's better to not be explained at all. 

Like she always said "thoughts are in a prayer", well dear girlfriend, you'll always be in my prayer. I'm so lucky to be able to learn so many things from you, and I wish nothing but the best for your life. 

Day 1 of Adaptation

Happen to know that I'm currently working in Taiping. Long story short, I was not really adapting in the first month being here. Yes, I'm weaker than anybody ever think of. So, the moment I've met my girlfriend, life change incredibly much from there. I never cried again everytime I drove back home. I feel good going to work knowing that I have somebody to rely and help me while working. Everyday would feel adventurous and joyful, and the fact that the most awaited time for me on every single day was seeing and talking to her.

But now, she's gone. She had her duty call in Labuan. I was okay at first but knowing that we don't really have proper goodbyes, and I'm not too sure what went wrong, she's kinda avoiding and ignoring me eversince.

I don't know what happen. I wish I know. I wish she had told me why. But if this is what she wants, I'll accept it. After all, I don't have right to force her doing anything that I wish.

It's a lie if I said that I'm doing fine. But I know eventually, time will settle this. She gave me so many wonderful moments to be remembered. And I forever thanks her for that. Whatever it is, I hope she's happy and doing good out there.

Well, back to work, I was so surprised when I saw one of the HO who already came back to work after having quite a rough journey, so good to see her. Hopefully she'll stay strong. Welcome back!

PS : I'll be here whenever you need me

She's gone, for now....

Thanks, will never be enough

Sorry, will never be good

But if I have to say those words million times, I would.

You teach me so many things in this life, most importantly, how to be a young independant strong woman. You have become a role figure, who I adore and look up in so many ways.

Your ambience and personality are somehow opposite to me, but hey opposite attracts right?

After all this while, meeting and getting to know you, every single day, I've learn a new thing. And it's all because of you. And I forever hope that I can learn more from you.

Girlfriend, we maybe 1000 miles away, but you'll stay closest to my heart. So whereever you are, always remember, I'll be here by your side even if not virtually.

Thanks for everything that you've done for me and Sorry if I never be as good enough as you are to me

Be safe and good luck! 

P/S : after so long I haven't write, maybe this is the best time to ventilate again