Day 8 of Adaptation

"What I've kept in my heart is only our good memories not anger"

Today I feel like crying. Whenever I'm in no mood situation, the number one person I'll run into was my girlfriend. But she's not here anymore. She has the effect of changing my mood instantly from worst to the better. I never need someone like I need her today. I really really need her. I was dump and sombre and no one can pick me up like she always did.

It was my postcall day. I had a really nice oncall, everything was chill no issues not until the next morning. I had this one patient admitted, and it seems my management was not up to this specialist in charge par, so she called me and we had a lengthy talk face to face, mostly me being degrading and demotivating. I felt demolished. Days like this, where I need to have her by my side while silently pouring out on her shoulder. Days like this, I realized how much an impact she had into my life. Days like this, I know, she's someone I need, who can easily protect my heart, only by her presence.

So I've cried, cried and cried until my eyes can't take it anymore. But still the pain never goes. I know eventually it'll disappear but if only she is here, the hurts will healed within seconds. The thought of her already comforting enough, what more her presence.

I know for sure, if she knows that I'm in troubles, she'll comes to me immediately. I know it for sure because that's how she's been taking care of me eversince.

And I'm missing her more until it hurts....

Day 7 of Adaptation

There are two kind of theories on how people met in my dictionary, either it's parallel or perpendicular way.

You may know these two theories when you learnt geometry in high school, parallel and perpendicular lines. Well, I forgot most of them actually. Anyways, I see myself meeting a lot of new people daily. Some of them are still being part of my life, and some of them, I'm afraid, were not. Life is a bargain. You don't always have what you need, but you always get what you don't really want, ironically.

And truth to be told, everyone who I consider I need in this life, are mostly from the perpendicular way theory. We've met on a cross section timeline, in one place at one time, before both of us continuing our own separate ways of life differently. It's sad. Because after so much of efforts and time you've given to that person, you know you won't be together forever. 

Nothing in this world stays. But as much as your mind tried to remind it, your heart still will do everything impulsely. You'll never know when you'll see or meet them again because in perpendicular line, there's only one interception. To begin with, both of you are from two different worlds, two different places, two different persons who manage to meet in one similar point of a time, and that's it.

I found it hard to believe when I lost one of my bestfriend previously. But now, it seems history does repeat itself. And maybe, maybe this is another test from the Almighty that I might have failed, once again.

Day 6 of Adaptation

"I find the pleasure of giving and making you happy, thanks to you"

Well so far that she's away, there is not a single day that went by without me missing her. I missed her. A lot. I don't know how to describe the feeling but surely I feel life is not the same anymore. Knowing that her absent in this state, just worsen it all. I felt this exact kind of feeling at times when she went back to her hometown previously, but I knew back then, it was temporarily. Sometimes it took about 3-5 days max. And I always knew that she'll comes back. But now, it's different. She lives so far away. I don't know when will I ever meet her again. Whether I have the opportunity to see her again. Whether we are going to be as we were before or we're going to be like a total strangers or acquaintance per say. I have no idea. Distance surely makes people apart. I don't know what's gonna happen to me, what's gonna happen to her, but what I know, people changes so does feelings, isn't it?

I said to her in my previous phone call, "life is different without you here", and she said "no, don't be like that, you have to enjoy it". Part of me feel, it easier said than done. I've been honest to her, not to make her worried or anything, just telling her the truth. But it seems like she's doing just fine. So I don't know whether this "missing you" is a mutual feeling or not. As much as I want to think positively, I need some kind of reassurance too. But I didn't get it from her. Maybe, she really has moved on. Maybe, this getting apart from each other is her forte. Out of everybody, I should've learn better but here I am, trying to compose myself as hard as I can be even I know that my heart and mind are so soggy that they tear so easily. Ugghh I hate myself.

On the other side, I feel like karma gets me like hell. I've been ignoring someone real bad, and now she's been ignoring me the same way. Even if she's not, she tends to avoid answering my question and etc.

Like she couldn't care less. Seriously I don't know what to do to fix this. Whatever this is. It isn't us. I want old us so badly. I know I shouldn't be like this, but the old us would never want this to happen too right? I wish I know why she acts differently. I really wish I've had known so that I could've prevent it from happening. 

Why is everything has to be so complicated?

Day 5 of Adaptation

"Our time together is too priceless to be wasted with arguments or silence"

I finally called her. I don't know what brings the confident in me that time, I was simply search through contact number and called her, out of the blue. And I thought she won't pick up. About the final dying beeping, about the time I almost give up, her voice heard at the other end of the line. Gosh, how I missed her voice so much! I always said to her, "how is it possible that her voice is so soothing and addicting, all at the same time?" So yes, it surprised me that she picked up. Because, literally at the moment I've heard her voice, mixed feeling rushed through my blood, I forgot almost everything that happened, and it's like she was in front of me, we were back at square and do our things as we always do before, I was at ease. Maybe seeing her is great, but hearing her voice is greater.

It was around 1900H, as soon as she said "hello", I was a bit hesitate to continue on the phone call. I don't know what to say really. It happened that I was just trying my luck to talk to her eventhough I don't really know what actually I want to say to her. In fact it was my intuition without motive that I try to call her, maybe I just love the idea of calling and hearing her voice, I don't know but it was so weird because she used to be the person who I tell almost everything that's going through my life and I have no idea why I was so nervous. And now it seems, akward and difficult and torturing. So, I just started what I do best, with small talks, and unsurprisingly, the conversation flows as smooth as silk. Yeah, we still got it in us I believe. She knows how to make everything seems fine, and I comply with it so well. We had our lame jokes here and there, and walla!

Everything seems normal. We act normal. I don't know whether I like it or not but I feel comfortable. At least she sounds good and composed. If she wants to put past as past then I'm okay with it. As long as we're good. We catch up a bit. I got to know that she's working at the time I called her, so we don't really talk much. I was also too tired to continue because it was my postcall day and I was driving at that time, so I ended up the call with the hopes that it won't be our last conversation, hopefully.

It was Friday night, I have a train to catch at 2130H, it was a last minute decision. My mom actually texted me a day prior to my oncall, asking me to come home. Who can says no to a mother right? So being as obeyed as I can be, I followed her wish. Long story short, I found my way to Perlis after a hectic late evening which I cannot really disclosed over here. Just consider myself unlucky and inconsiderate. But, I came home to Ummu and Iha's creative birthday card that they made specially for me and all the troubles that happen soon replace with a content heart. Sure it did, family provides nothing but comfort and loves. That's what I always get from them. I feel bless, really.

I slept peacefully that night, knowing that everything are fine. I'm here with my family, and she's there doing good. Nothing more that I can ask for. And she texted me again the next day. 

So we really are okay right?

Day 4 of Adaptation

"Don't think too much about it. There's nothing to worry pon. It just me and my problems. Nothing to do with you"

I'm upset. Way too damn upset. I've finally received her text message. It was a birthday wish after all. If it's not because of my birthday then until when she'll stay ignoring me? She mentioned about it's not really my fault but how can she manage to do that to me, I have no idea. I won't leave my friend hangin if I don't have problem with them, much less to say if its my very best friend though.

I was oncall on my birthday anyways. It surely lesser the frustration. I don't think it was the right moment or even the right emotion to reply her back. Yes she gave me this nice simple text that literally blew myself away - maybe the fact that I've been waiting for her text so long. It felt like these 7 days were the longest and most miserable 7 days I've ever endured. But I just have no time to even think or respond about it. 

It was a very hectic call. I don't get why all babies want to come out on the exact same birth date as mine as well. Admissions flow like crazy, I literally have to go in doing cser like every hour before I had my chance to sleep for about an hour before I need to get up again doing MRP, during golden time of having my sahur, ugghh and labour room was having its own 5th waves throughout the day and night not forget to mention. So I really was in a situation where I don't have much time to think about it yesterday. 

People's right, make yourself busy then you'll forget things that breaks you.

I may not get any cakes or sweets or treats, but I definitely have many people who I'm going to share same birthday together in the future!

PS : should I just reply her like nothing had happen in this side of the world?

Day 3 of Adaptation

"I may not be by your side, but you're always in my mind"

This is what happened today. Well technically speaking, people said that the more you think you don't want to think about something, the more you ended up thinking about that something. And it's true. I thought of so many possible ways to not think of her but I ended up saying and talking about her a lot today. I've said out loud her name so many times to my colleagues until I realized how much I have missed her. I thought that I could run from the fact but nope, it's not happening, yet. 

To add to the misery, one of my colleague told me that she received a text message from her this morning. I was so surprised until I couldn't even react to her. Until she said something like, "why u look so shocked?" I asked her whether I can look at the message and there you go, not only a simple text, but also an attached photo of her with my colleague's friend in Labuan. She's been ignoring my texts but afford to text others, and why it has to be my colleague? Well, I guess she's really doing fine over there. Good to know. 

And it became worst thoughout the day. The picture above was her rented house here where I always visited. I don't know what happen to me, but I ended up driving myself over there subconsciously, in hope that I could meet her again, at least, but who am I kidding right? it's completely irrelevant. And even if she really was there, what on earth did I think that she wants to meet me after all of the silence treatment. Isn't it? 

So here I am, in my bedroom, on my bed, staring straight up at the wall, counting wounds and I tried to numb them all. Do you care? Did she really care? 

I don't think so......... 

Day 2 of Adaptation

"A spark of fire kills a sea of love. A single moment of misunderstanding made you forgot the thousand seconds of lovable moment we've spent together. It's not the pain that makes you suffer, it's your own negative thoughts that make things worse"

It feels strange. It surely did. Being at a place that can reminds you a lot of her. Like every single corner of a room, makes me think of her. After all, this is the place we spent our many time together, I cannot complaint. But it surely make things more difficult. Like today, I had a course held in a building where most of the week all of the staffs gathered for an assembly, it's actually one of the most frequent place where I could meet her or at least see her from a distance. You know when there's this flashback train that comes out from your brain cortex so vividly where you just go into blank phase and all of the sudden you can't really differentiate which one is the reality or imagination? yeah, that's exactly what happen to me and part of me was scared, but another part of me kind of relieve because, those are memories of us that I really want to embrace in my entire life, and I'm so glad that I can still remember it clearly.

What I know, I can see myself changing in a good possible way. She really had taught me to think more positive and bring out the good in every situation in this life. The old me would have probably, curse or mad at her, she surely left me hanging but whatever situation it is, maybe she has her own reason to it, and I need to respect that. Relationship/Friendship is not a singular thing right?

She gave me so many wonderful moments, and she treated me like I'm so special and important, I do feel important. So I don't need to have any doubts on her just because of this one unexplainable situation of us. Sometimes there are things that is not explainable and we just have to face it, not everything requires an explanation, we just need to go with the flow and sometimes, it's better to not be explained at all. 

Like she always said "thoughts are in a prayer", well dear girlfriend, you'll always be in my prayer. I'm so lucky to be able to learn so many things from you, and I wish nothing but the best for your life. 

Day 1 of Adaptation

Happen to know that I'm currently working in Taiping. Long story short, I was not really adapting in the first month being here. Yes, I'm weaker than anybody ever think of. So, the moment I've met my girlfriend, life change incredibly much from there. I never cried again everytime I drove back home. I feel good going to work knowing that I have somebody to rely and help me while working. Everyday would feel adventurous and joyful, and the fact that the most awaited time for me on every single day was seeing and talking to her.

But now, she's gone. She had her duty call in Labuan. I was okay at first but knowing that we don't really have proper goodbyes, and I'm not too sure what went wrong, she's kinda avoiding and ignoring me eversince.

I don't know what happen. I wish I know. I wish she had told me why. But if this is what she wants, I'll accept it. After all, I don't have right to force her doing anything that I wish.

It's a lie if I said that I'm doing fine. But I know eventually, time will settle this. She gave me so many wonderful moments to be remembered. And I forever thanks her for that. Whatever it is, I hope she's happy and doing good out there.

Well, back to work, I was so surprised when I saw one of the HO who already came back to work after having quite a rough journey, so good to see her. Hopefully she'll stay strong. Welcome back!

PS : I'll be here whenever you need me

She's gone, for now....

Thanks, will never be enough

Sorry, will never be good

But if I have to say those words million times, I would.

You teach me so many things in this life, most importantly, how to be a young independant strong woman. You have become a role figure, who I adore and look up in so many ways.

Your ambience and personality are somehow opposite to me, but hey opposite attracts right?

After all this while, meeting and getting to know you, every single day, I've learn a new thing. And it's all because of you. And I forever hope that I can learn more from you.

Girlfriend, we maybe 1000 miles away, but you'll stay closest to my heart. So whereever you are, always remember, I'll be here by your side even if not virtually.

Thanks for everything that you've done for me and Sorry if I never be as good enough as you are to me

Be safe and good luck! 

P/S : after so long I haven't write, maybe this is the best time to ventilate again