Day 14 of Adaptation

So I'm a regular for this clinic this month. It started with "why it such a busy clinic, I don't want to do locum here again," and it ended up with "ok, lets put my name in every free available slots, shall we" 

And I'm getting used to it. Maybe because it's Ramadan, fasting month, that's probably why it was so busy at night or maybe it is a busy clinic to begin with, I don't know because I just started doing this here. I always took the night slots, which is only for 2 hours (8pm-10pm) and I never can get back on time. I think I see patients fast enough but still it will always be overtime and overpaid. Haha lucky me or not I have no idea. 

Usually there'll be around 10-15 patients per night. So roughly I need to see one patient in 8-12 mins. It's like me being in Emergency department again. The adrenaline rush is real and it really excites me. I never encounter such situation in other private clinic.  Do I like it this way or not? I think yeah, it sort of reminds me the old days when I was in Emergency, the best posting I've ever had and wish to stay. And it actually makes time went by faster when you have to concentrate on handling patients. 

So my conclusion would be, I think yes this clinic is the busiest clinic I've ever see. Maybe people likes to come to this place because of the owner, whom I never met to date. Well I wish I can meet her one time and probably ask a bit on how can she managed to attract so many patients in a day, eventhough there is another well known clinic just 3-4 stores across hers. Who knows what my future held for me. Who knows  maybe one day I ended up quitting KKM and managing my own clinic. Who knows? 

PS : I have another 3 oncalls and 7 locums to go this month but I'm so damn tired to even think about it. I just have to get through this because this is the only therapy that prevent me from entertaining my emotion so far. So I need to this for the better me. 

Day 13 of Adaptation

I hate people who always underestimate others as if they are great and perfect. I don't know how they get that kind of confident to degrade other human being, but honestly, they are not worth as they think they are.

I'm so pissed regarding this situation that my colleague and I have to face everyday. People like 'X' should not exist. Demotivating and degrading people is not in human nature. I don't think 'X' understand, being honest and being rude is two different thing. Frankly speaking 'X' is rather rude than honest. It needs to stop. More people are hurting because of 'X' and if you are a human, you don't let other human down, instead you pick them up and help them out.

I'm so stressed out these few days. I feel like ventilating myself to someone. Someone who I always need, my girlfriend obviously. So I've texted her this morning telling that I really need to talk to her once she's free. Out of sudden she called me. But again, I was working in the clinic seeing patient and I can't really talk to her that time. So I hung up on her. I always know she is someone that caring. She surely will get me everytime I'm in need, at instance. The problem is, we work in different working hours. Not only distance now that envy of us, but also time.

She said I'm strong. Little did she knows, being in a battlefield without her here is much difficult and I'm still adapting. Trying hard not to think about it while making myself busy with work, locum and other stuff like writing here. 

So, yeah I'm barely survive over here dear girlfriend.

Day 12 of Adaptation

Just a quick update. I'm oncall so I don't really have much time to write. Anyways, so far so good. I wish I could sleep this time. Fingers cross.

I think, I'm pretty stable now. Yes, first few days was hard. I cried almost everyday. I can't really sleep properly. But now, I think I get through it quite good. I'm proud of myself actually. The old me is nothing like this. I feel great.

Yes of course. I miss her. I'll always miss her. She becomes someone significant and she is a part of me. She's like a family but at the same time, an accompany. I feel most comfortable with her, who I can share almost everything. So being apart is something I'm not used to but I keep holding on to it.

I wish I could run to her whenever I want. But it's impossible. Both of us already know it. Everytime she said "datang la sini", part of me will scream out loud "i want to you have no idea", but this is reality that both of us need to face.

The fact that she called me today is good enough. We get to talk few here and there. But of course, time always envy of us, if she was free, I was working, and vice versa. So we can't really talk much. Our working time is different. That's why it makes this much difficult. I'm more than grateful, whatever it is, she still makes an effort to call me. I cannot complaint.

"I wish you were here by my side too"

Day 11 of Adaptation

"Love is all about giving, and not hoping for a return"

I was having my monthly excruciating dysmenorhea yesterday. Usually it lasts for first two-three days of menses. I seldomly take any analgesics because, I can just relieve it by lying down left laterally and sleep through it. Sometimes, tea works too. But mostly, I just sleep through it. Lately, I need to take pain killer just because of working. And I don't like working with pain. So I have to, like it or not.

Previously, my mom was the one who will provide me with medications, which sometimes she bought it at convenient store. Yes I'm a doctor but somehow, taking medicine is not my forte, unless necessary. I'll have it if I really really need to. When I'm in Taiping, I found out that girlfriend also has the similar problem that I'm facing. Somehow, we both understand the situation better than others.

She used to get me medication for it. She'll be the first to worry if I ever had this problem. I remember, there's one time, when she drove all the way from hospital after work late at night to my house just to drop the medication and food for me, knowing that I'm in pain. So, having the pain yesterday brought me back to those kind of memories, those kind of "great touching my heart" memories. And the more I think about it, the more I realized on how important has she become in my life in such a short period of time.

This morning, while driving to work, I was thinking of calling her, just to know how she's doing sort of thing. But I reluctantly call her because I'm afraid I'll be disturbing her. There was so many "what ifs" playing in my mind, until I ended up not calling her. You know when wise people always said, "there's telepathy between hearts"? That's exactly what I've felt this morning, the moment I've heard her ringtone from my phone, I was ecstatic. I set a specific ringtone for her, so I know exactly when she calls without even have to look at the phone. When I saw her picture on the screen, my heart flips over thinking of, how she knows that I really really wanted to call her today. And she called me out of nowhere. She knows today is Monday, I'll be working obviously. But still she called me. And of course, we can't really talk much. I'm working, I have to see patients in clinics. And it's only 9 in the morning, so it's a bit hectic. We just manage to say "hi there bye there" stuff. But I'm blessed. To ever hear her voice, knowing that she's okay, I'm fine.

The point is, imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corners of your mixed up soul, imagine that moment when you both know exactly, what each other is thinking eventhough you are far away from each other, it's not an accident, it's what we called as telepathy.

PS : I brought my car to workshop for tyre services today. Hell yeah, it surely caused lots of money here. Pfffttt

Day 10 of Adaptation

"In spite of all this, I still can smile because I got you and everything that reminds me of you"

Life is an art. It depends on how you want to draw it, whether with simple black and white or full spectrum of colors. The most important thing is, you're at ease and happy. Your heart must be happy.

I found there's a lot of reasons that can color my life. Like my family for instance, they make me happy. My work. My friends. My staff. My goldfishes. My phone. My room. My money and etc. There's so many reasons that can make me happy. But which one I can't live without is the most important. Which one, if I know, by tomorrow they'll be gone, I'll be in doom, is much more important. It's not about how or when we lost someone or something, it's about how we adapt through the phase of it. Nothing in this world stays, for sure. So we have to know, which and which is our reasons of happiness, so that we know, we can prepare ourself earlier to face it, when any one of it, is gone.

I had such a crazy oncall the other day. My friend and I, we couldn't even enter the oncall room. I had my Maghrib and Isya' prayer at 2 in the morning and that's explain how crazy it was. We couldn't sleep obviously, not even lie down on bed. Long story short, working is something that I can't live without. It is something I find as therapy for me. Although it was stressful and literally tire me out, but at the same time, it made me forget things that prevent me to be happy, in such, if I'm not working, I'll be overly thinking about everything, and sometimes it goes really bad until I can't really function. So working, prevent me from all those sort of things. Like, how bad I miss my girlfriend. If I'm not doing anything, I'll be thinking about her for the entire day. And it sucks. Because eventhough how much I've missed her, I can't really do anything from here. So literally, I cause myself to be unhappy. And it's not good.

So, I know that working can prevent this unhealthy thinking of mine. I took as many locum slots outside just to fill myself with work. I know if I'm working, I'll get tired physically and there'll be no time for me to entertain my emotion or thinking. It's easier for me to sleep at night as well. Indirectly, it makes me happy too. I mean, what else can I do other than this right?

Day 9 of Adaptation

"Your presence in my heart is comforting enough. That can make my worries and sadness go away"

Not a single day went by without me thinking of her. All the daily routine things make me think of her like, is she awake? What she eats today? Has she eats? Is she working? Until when she's working? How's she doing? And etc. All sort of taking care about each other things. Sometimes, it just a simple gesture but it was such a complex feelings involved. Like she used to bring me food during my call, or at least, she used to come and visit me during morning or before lunch break or at night after night rounds. She always make time for me eventhough she's so damn tired after working, or she was busy with something else, but still, she'll make a huge effort just to see me and fulfilling my wish to see her too. I remember, there was this time when she had one full day locum in an area about 45mins away, and suddenly around midnight she called and told me that she was outside, waiting to see me. She drove straight away from there to hospital and I was so surprised because she looked so tired that night, and yet still came all the way when she can just go home and call it a day.

So not having her now, feels weird. Everytime I'm oncall now would feels weird. Because I'm so used to have her visit me, seeing her, talking to her, received food or drinks from her, hugging her so tight before she drove back home, saying goodnights and see you again tomorrow, and text me when you arrived things, and now there would be no more. So it's definitely, feels weird.

If I lie down, thinking and looking back all the sacrifices that she had made for me, I would never have chance to repay. She is someone I believe will stand behind me and do everything that she's capable of just to make me happy. I forever thanks her that. I'm maybe not the kind of person who is worthy enough to ever received all those sacrifices, but I hope, everything that she's ever done to make me happy, one day God grants her the most happiness in her life as well.

So just because of one hassle, doesn't mean I would have to forget thousands of parallel. Right?