Day 6 of Adaptation

"I find the pleasure of giving and making you happy, thanks to you"

Well so far that she's away, there is not a single day that went by without me missing her. I missed her. A lot. I don't know how to describe the feeling but surely I feel life is not the same anymore. Knowing that her absent in this state, just worsen it all. I felt this exact kind of feeling at times when she went back to her hometown previously, but I knew back then, it was temporarily. Sometimes it took about 3-5 days max. And I always knew that she'll comes back. But now, it's different. She lives so far away. I don't know when will I ever meet her again. Whether I have the opportunity to see her again. Whether we are going to be as we were before or we're going to be like a total strangers or acquaintance per say. I have no idea. Distance surely makes people apart. I don't know what's gonna happen to me, what's gonna happen to her, but what I know, people changes so does feelings, isn't it?

I said to her in my previous phone call, "life is different without you here", and she said "no, don't be like that, you have to enjoy it". Part of me feel, it easier said than done. I've been honest to her, not to make her worried or anything, just telling her the truth. But it seems like she's doing just fine. So I don't know whether this "missing you" is a mutual feeling or not. As much as I want to think positively, I need some kind of reassurance too. But I didn't get it from her. Maybe, she really has moved on. Maybe, this getting apart from each other is her forte. Out of everybody, I should've learn better but here I am, trying to compose myself as hard as I can be even I know that my heart and mind are so soggy that they tear so easily. Ugghh I hate myself.

On the other side, I feel like karma gets me like hell. I've been ignoring someone real bad, and now she's been ignoring me the same way. Even if she's not, she tends to avoid answering my question and etc.

Like she couldn't care less. Seriously I don't know what to do to fix this. Whatever this is. It isn't us. I want old us so badly. I know I shouldn't be like this, but the old us would never want this to happen too right? I wish I know why she acts differently. I really wish I've had known so that I could've prevent it from happening. 

Why is everything has to be so complicated?