Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Letting Go Move On : Day 8

"Desperation vs Obsession"

When you were trying to reminisce the old days. On how you guys met, how was your relationship developed, and how you could keep it so long up till today, you'll enjoyed a rollercoaster ride while sighing;

"What had happened to me"

People change with surrounding. And surrounding makes people to learn about something whether its good or not. When your lover comes into your life, you'll definitely change towards them or be like them more or less. You were once empty or shielded, became full and cracked. You were once ignorance, became full of care and concerns. Just towards them. Just for them. And at some point of this life you'll become them, and they become you. If they were the one who started to care and love and need you like you are the only one in this world, scared if you had left them, at some point you'll be like them too. Only then, when they were confident having you by their sides, they became so settled and comfort that you won't go anywhere, you won't survive without them, you won't leave them because they knew you're going to suffer a lot if you do that, because you need them more, and that's probably why they keep distance. They don't show how their cares and loves for you like they did before. And if you bring up the issue, they hate it. If you cried a lot, you beg a lot, and you looks so desperate to keep them, they'll be tired of you. Ironically as this life as can be, they forgot that they were once like that too, only then they change to not wanting you or loving you like before. And when you showed your desperation, they'll dislike it and they'll simply say;

"Why you want to become like me?"

As if all the fault become yours. You the one to blame for all of the arguments. They don't realize that we feel miserable inside on why they had change. Why their need for us had changed. Why the hell you the one who become so desperately wanting to keep it now not them. Because people change? Don't they know that at first place why you fall in love with them? Because you felt so special with how they had treated you. You felt as if they can't live without you and you wanted to repay it by making them special too, only then you'll regret that you love and want them way too much until you feel like you are a victim.

You can't afford to lose them now because you know you'll suffer so bad. You can't expect them to change to show their loves like they did before because they'll mad at you. And the end of the day, you'll just have to accept the fact that in this world, they are no single thing that stays forever. Not them, not their loves, not you, not anything. If you show too much of you desperation on them, they'll be annoyed. They'll be irritated. Yes, you know that they were like that before but you never feel annoyed or irritated by them, even they themselves don't know it. They never feel they are. Because you never be able to say it if they truly are, because you know how annoyed and clingy they are is equivalent on how much they care and wanting you. But for today, that equation simply don't work anymore for them. How irony this life right?

Well you just have to drop everything in comparison. You can't compare yourself today to yourself before. You can't compare their love before and their love today. One thing that you can do is let it go. Let the matter go because eventhough you can't be as happy as before, as special as you felt you were, at least they want to keep you. At least they still treat you nicely. At least they still want to keep the relationship going. You don't want to turn to be so obsess about them. If they dislike what you did now (like they were before), it's their loss. They don't know how much you've  enjoyed and feel soooo good deep inside because of their "annoying" and "clinging" and "desperation" which make you so much appreciated and grateful to have them by you side. If they don't want it, drop it, let it go and be the way you were before because maybe they feel similar like you - they fall in love with the old you not you as today.

P/S : I never feel this pathetic. I feel like I'm so enough with begging and apologising and showing like I'm the lowest human being. When you did all that, people will loss respect towards you. That's what I felt. I felt I had lost my dignity and humanity to them. I don't want to keep searching and fighting for their care. If they want me, they can have me, if they don't it'll be no problem because I'm too tired to care about them and keep abuse myself for unnecessary thing. I just want to be calm in this world. I want to be at my peace. Nothing stays. NOTHING.

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